on finishing second year

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~~~~ i wrote this blog post on the 17th may 2018, but felt too scared to upload it because i felt ashamed of talking about my anxiety publicly. today i decided to push myself and put this out there ~~~~~

last year i wrote a bit of a soppy nostalgic post about finishing first year.
i talked about highs and lows and how overall i thought i'd miss the comfort of my halls but i was excited for the future.

my thoughts on second year are a bit jumbled.
this has been one of those weird years where i feel i've retreated back into my shell.
at the start of the year i was up for anything, i completely balanced getting good grades with loads of nights out, feeling incredible in myself and loving every second.

the second half of the year took a sharp turn, i started doubting myself, i started becoming less up for nights out, more scared of the effects alcohol could have on my anxious thoughts, i stopped wanting to take selfies, to tweet, to blog, to bump into people i knew on campus.

uni started feeling like a chore. i completely threw myself into my work because i didn't know what else to do, but still my grades began to slip compared to the previous semester, my panic attacks became more frequent and the snow was a welcome excuse to not leave the house.

i had my last exam of second year on monday and i felt nothing but relief. now, a few days later, looking back on the past year feel sad that i let myself push everything away. the people i stopped messaging because i thought i was bothering them, the way i continually compared myself to everyone else, the times i was too shy to branch out.

but sadness is a waste of time. if i spent all day looking back at the good times with rose tinted glasses i'd never move on. there have been so many good times this year that have been swarmed in my memory by the bad, but there's nothing more to do.

i considered leaving a parting message on this post about looking forward to third year, but i don't have any coherent thoughts on that right now.

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