I failed all my 2018 resolutions - but I don't care!!

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Hey everyone still reading this. Friends, followers, nosey parkers.
If you can cast your mind back to January, which actually feels like last week, I made a blog post detailing my 2018 goals. And now it's September and I am writing a similar blogpost detailing how so far I have failed at exactly ALL of these goals...

'Take Care of Myself'

Ok. This one I *might* have succeeded in, in a way, but not in the way I intended. The main goal was to stop eating and drinking so much crap, and it's now September and for lunch I had two Mars Bars. Soooooo probably not? But in a way, I am taking care of myself. My previous anxiety strategies were to IGNORE THE FEELINGS AND THEY WILL GO AWAY. Honey this ain't truuuuuuuue!!! This year I made a really big step and started seeing a counsellor. Albeit, they are telephone and online appointments which can't hold a candle to some face-to-face talking but they are helping incredibly. I never wanted to go into counselling again after having a poor experience with CAMHS as a teen, but this time my GP picked up on an anxiety attack when I came in to discuss stomach pains. Since then I've been majorly taking care of my mental health, getting enough sleep and drinking a lot less alcohol. I still eat tonnes of chocolate and sweeties and skip meals but hey, we gotta start somewhere.

'Read More'

This one is a big fat joke. I've read a grand total of 2 books in the last nine months. Someone slap me on the wrist right here right now. I own so many books too! And they're all so interesting! But I just want to scroll social media all the time or be asleep!!

'Finish Second Year With A First'

Yeah, nope. But I did finish the year with a 68. 2 marks off my precious first. It stings a bit because I know I tried to put my all into it this year. However in May I received my first ever 2:2 grade and honestly thought of dropping out altogether. A 2:2?! How could I cope?! It seems dramatic now but this was a piece of work I'd put my ALL into - blood, sweat, tears. I felt so down reading the comments about how I'd produced a good piece of work but completely missed the point of the assignment which had apparently been made 'explicitly' clear (not to me CLEARLY). I missed several seminars due to my looming anxiety and feeling too down to face my peers so I must have missed something and felt too nervy to speak to any of my lecturers to admit what was going on. In hindsight, I now know how loving the EngLang department is at my uni and I hope that if I feel like this next year I'll have the balls to speak to my lecturers to catch up on what I've missed. But hey - 68's still pretty damn good (will still cry if I don't get 70 next year).

'Put myself out there when I don't want to'

Yeah, mmm, no. Not really.
I'm putting myself out here right now, writing this post sharing way too many private details about my life, which is exactly what I wanted. However up until this point it's been a hard year for my self esteem. Illness really knocked me down this year and I've found it hard to get back on my feet, let alone then SHARE it all on here or apply to stuff I didn't have the confidence to follow through with. Maybe this can improve in the last 3 months of the year.

I suppose the take away from this blog post is maybe that time is arbitrary, the idea of '2018' means nothing and I am not going to feel like a failure thanks to some little goals I wrote down. I have had a hell of a year and I am actually just happy I'm still here smiling. 



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