No Friends Are Better Than Bad Friends

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Dear blog readers,

I was prompted to write this post when i saw a tweet about cutting out 'toxic' friends. I've refrained from using the word 'toxic' in my description of these kinds of friends, because, well, does anyone even know what this word means? it feels like it's being thrown around willy-nilly on my twitter feed. almost everyone's had 'toxic' thrown at them. 

I recently read huffpost's 'warning signs' of a toxic friend, and it all seems very vague to me. I mean, number 2 on the list is 'they're smart'. If that's enough of a warning sign I best not make friends with anyone at this russell group university. 

But for real. Whatever you want to call them, so many of us have had BAD friends. 

And to be honest, in my experience, it wasn't always their fault. i'll admit it, i'm a clingy friend. I post stupid memes in groupchats every day and I send snapchats of whatever I'm doing and DAMN, I must be hella annoying. Quite a lot of my 'bad' friendships included me forcing a friendship upon them and being pretty much ghosted.

But that's okay, no big loss. The real bad friends are the ones who act like your besties. 

And it's hard, I know. How can you possibly tell who's a real friend and who's not? 

But I think I've realised, your gut knows.

Even in school, I had so many friends that I had a gut feeling weren't good to me. Whether that was not saving me a seat in class, not adding me to groupchats, not inviting me to parties. But somehow I still kept making excuses for them, they're my friend, they wouldn't purposely leave me out.

I spent so much of my school life feeling 'left out'. It's probably why I still get this crazy FOMO if I miss an event or imagine my housemates snuggled up watching telly while I'm at work. 

Up until about now, I really thought feeling 'left out' was just a part of life. I thought secretly everyone felt like their friends hated them, and that I'd never be the sort of person who got invited to parties or saved a seat. 

But, it's sort of happened. When I look at my friends around me now, they could never do enough for me, if I shed a tear they're right there, if I need a chat they're there, I've never worried about being pushed out or purposefully ignored. 

And to be honest, I don't know how it happened besides I became okay with myself. 

I stopped trying to be someone I wasn't to fit in with the people I thought i should be friends with. I'd actually myself pushed a lot of people away in favour of other "friends".

I became okay with my own company. I began not feeling so sad when I was left on my own. I stopped wanting to find a friend to fill up every corner of myself I was scared of. 

And then somehow, the friends found me.
Sort of in the same way they say you find love when you stop looking.

lizzie. x


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